It’s Not Ok: Optimism Place urges families to look out for loved ones this holiday season

The holiday season is often seen as a time of joy and togetherness. But for many people living with domestic violence, it can bring added stress, isolation and an increased risk of harm.

Donna Jean Forster, executive director of Optimism Place, says the holidays are an important time to check in on family and friends who may be struggling.

She says silence is never the right response when you’re concerned about someone’s safety, and learning how to reach out can make a difference.

“An abusive pattern is isolation, and so being able to break that isolation by having people be comfortable talking about it is vital,” said Forster.

Forster says that while emergency shelter is available when needed, most women access Optimism Place’s services without entering shelter.

“For the most part, the people we serve don't ever come into shelter, and they can access supports from their home,” she said. “Even if it's an abusive relationship, we can still go to where they are and serve them that way.”

The holidays can also create natural moments for private conversations with loved ones. Forster says to pay attention to how partners interact.

“People are often on their best behaviour when they're in a family setting sometimes, but I think there are things that you can notice in relationships,” she said. “Like, how do they talk to each other? How does he speak to her? Is he putting her down? Is he not letting her talk to other family members? Is he questioning her right after she talks to someone else? Is he controlling what she eats or how much she eats? Is he paying extra attention to her? Does he want to keep her separate from her family members? Those are some of the initial early signs to watch for.”

To build a safer community, Forster says learning how to talk to loved ones and creating space for honest conversations is essential.

Four steps to support someone you’re worried about

1. Ask your loved one to reflect on whether their partner:

• Puts them down, embarrasses them or shames them

• Prevents contact with family or friends, or interferes with work

• Leaves them “walking on eggshells” about where they are or who they’re with

• Accuses them of cheating or checks their phone

• Threatens to harm themselves, them, children, family members or pets

2. Listen without judgment

Your instinct may be to encourage them to leave, but Forster says the most important first step is to listen and validate.

“I’m so sorry this is happening to you” is often the safest response, she notes. Keep the focus on their feelings and needs, not on their relationship status.

3. Create a safety plan

Work together on a plan that might include a code word to signal danger, a safe place to go, emergency contacts, possible transportation and financial supports. A safety bag can include toiletries, medications, identification, a phone charger and a change of clothes.

4. Guide them to support

Optimism Place offers a 24-7 support line at 519-271-5550 for women, family members and friends. Staff can provide shelter, transportation, legal support, referrals and safety planning. Calling can help you understand what steps to take next.

Optimism Place launched its Not Ok. campaign on Nov. 25 to mark the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, kicking off 16 days of global activism. The long-term campaign highlights warning signs of intimate partner violence.

“Our staff are available all the time to answer these calls,” Forster said. “And we would rather answer these calls to support people than have people uproot their lives and have something really terrible happen. Being able to support people early and often is really important.”

For more information on how to help someone, visit itsnotok.ca/i-want-to-help-someone/.

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 911.